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music |
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the faces, "ooh la la" |
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( Comic book therapy )
( Friday Night Lights: The chosen show for the chosen people? )
All of this combined with my completion of The Year of Magical Thinking combined with today's date is somewhat bittersweet.
11 years ago, my parents took us on a surprise trip to Disney World and ... well, I won't get into that.
5 years ago, my cousin got married. It was my first time in Seattle. The rest is history.
Last year, I took a "holiday break" from writing a research paper and watched "Horatio Hornblower" all day. I found out three days later that my friend died that day. I stayed in my apartment and cried all weekend, only leaving for self-imposed social activity to no avail.
I am still a little stuck on this. One year might bring closure, but it does not bring any more clarity.
I think about all the things I have done in the past year, things I want to remember as well as some things I would rather not remember. Then I think of all the things I want to do and places I want to go, and I can't imagine NOT being able to think about tomorrow or the day after that or who I will meet.
I think about July 4, 2007, and my heart starts breaking all over again.
Reading this book was no accident, although finishing it when I did was an amazing coincidence. In some ways, it has helped me come to understand a few things, for instance, the distinction between mourning and grieving. And in other ways, it makes me nervous. I know that someday I will lose someone nearer and dearer to me (my father? my mother? close friends?) but I do not know how I will cope with it. At risk of sounding morbid, I already know how my parents will go. I know it will hurt, but that is the nature of things.
I think the difference between these future events and what happened last year is that you never expect someone your age to go so soon, with no explanation, no illness, no nothing. One day I heard he was gone, that he had been reported missing and they had identified his body. A few days later I heard something vague about "the river." A whole year later, and I can't think about missing persons reports without wondering in the back of my mind what exactly happened. A whole year later, and still I can't imagine how I would feel if he'd been someone I grew up with, not someone I was constantly reconnecting with.
I remember always being happy to see him. In particular, I remember 12th grade when we weren't really running in the same circle. Em, my best friend from the year before, was in Wales. I wasn't close enough with anyone who could make a fuss over my 16th birthday, an otherwise unremarkable day except that the 9/11 one-year mark was the following day. We passed each other in the hall. He'd been walking behind his girlfriend, carrying her books and I wasn't sure he'd even seen me. But he smiled and said, "Happy birthday!" and I thought maybe the entire day had been worth it. So when I think about this and the last real conversation we had, well, I miss him. Like Didion in her novel, if I'd known that would've been our last-- but I didn't.
The last time we talked, I also remember he asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I said I didn't, he told me that guys were only trouble at this point in my life. He said they weren't "worth it" right now. Well, I only hope that he didn't take his own life, because he was completely more than "worth it." He would have been 23 in October. He could have done so, so much -- he was a good guy and a good driver and a good musician. He might even have been a good moviemaker, maybe a good husband and father eventually. At least, I want to think he would.
The only reason I remember the day the last Harry Potter book came out is because it was the same day as the service. Little things -- books, movies -- initially upset me in the following weeks. Not so much now. Those little things have become a comforting link of sorts in the past few months. If I see a cab from the company he drove for, it's not a big deal. I just keep driving.
In her own way, Didion also says that life goes on: "Leis go brown, tectonic plates shift, deep currents move, islands vanish, rooms get forgotten." She says you have to "feel the swell change" and you have to go with it.
And that's the best thing you can do. You just keep driving.
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SLEEPY/OWOWOW
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